la escuela

i am almost afraid to start this blog because i have so much that i want to say, but i'm so afraid that i'm going to botch it up. that maybe you won't understand. that maybe the emotions will be too much? is this even possible?
i am in my fifth week of student teaching, and my 2nd week of having them to myself. and i think that i am falling in love.
i didn't think that i could do this. i thought that it was an impossible feat. but i've done it. i've gotten in. i'm teaching and, in turn, learning so much more than i thought i would.
here are some things that i have learned/am learning/am beginning to learn:
1) how to love unconditionally. love has nothing to do with one's ability to do.
2) how to give of myself when there seems that there is nothing left to give.
3) how to be responsible.
4) how to be respectful even in the face of disrespect.
5) how to care and give and care and give and receive nothing in return.

so i have deemed yesterday my "this is why i want to teach" day:
1) i got to share my heart (safely and adult-like) with a couple of my students by sharing my writing ability.
2) one girl came up to me after i made reference to her writing and asked me if i would like to read what she is writing. my heart screamed when this happened.
3) chris, one of my jocks, invited me to his jv football game and made it clear to look for him, #20. he was as excited as a sophomore football player can be.

that's it. i think. i mean, not really. of course there is more. there is going to be more. but this is enough for right now. i just really needed to get it out! i haven't been able to talk to many people about it.
thanks for listening.

puzzles...

i was never the kid that asked my mother if i could please play with a puzzle. i don't even remember owning a puzzle. ah. whatever. they were entertaining enough. but when i could no longer see the big picture for the millions of small cut-outs, i gave up.
i mean, seriously, that does work sometimes. some people say, quitters never win. sure, maybe. but i think, if you don't want to finish, then don't finish. so you walk away.
but sometimes, only sometimes, you come across a puzzle that is truly worth finishing. seriously my roommates and all the guys had this huge 10,000 (hello, hyperbole?) piece puzzle one time that took MONTHS to finish. but a little bit at a time, and it was complete.
so my puzzle?
education.
there are so many unfitting, jagged edges that are playing against me right now. when i'm sitting in the classroom observing, i think, what the hell am i doing? these kids sure don't care. why should i? but then, when away from the classroom, i am beating my brains out trying to think of ways to get through to these kids. it is a true puzzle.
i'm pretty sure i can do this. maybe i'm an idealist living in the world of mona lisa smile and dead poet's society, but i'm pretty sure i can do this. i think that i can find the missing piece. i hope so, anyway.
see, student teaching is way more than making the grade. it's about finding a way into the hearts of these kids and finding what it is that makes their hearts beat. i'm going to do it...but i struggle with whether or not i am up for it...can i handle it?
what if they don't let me in?
what if i try so hard and then decide that i don't want in?
what if it requires more than i am capable of giving?

descansar

i've had difficulty resting lately. i think that maybe rest is a byproduct of comfort. or maybe comfort is of rest. either way, they go hand in hand. yeah? no?
i think that maybe i'm not resting because i'm not comfortable.
i don't really know where i belong. i'm in such an awkward time of life. done with school but not really. not a student not an adult. lonely but nowhere to be. no idea. none. just checking off my list? just meeting requirements?
i guess.
qué será será....

hmmm

All the wild horses
All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
As for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
[yo doy el crédito a ray lamontagne: la canción "all the wild horses"]

travel

i have decided to drive up the west coast next summer.
any takers?

what...

holy smokes...
...it's august....

a tree grows in brooklyn

"what are you thinking about, little girl?"
"just thinking," francie said.
"sometimes i see you sitting on the gutter curb for hours. what do you think of then?"
"nothing. i just tell myself stories."
miss tynmore pointed at her sternly. "little girl, you'll be a story writer when you grow up." it was a command rather than a statement.
"yes ma'am," agreed francie out of politeness.

ethni[cities]

the black church conference starts today. that's really what it's called. en serio. black church week. i love it.
sometimes [more often than not] i am more at home with people of different ethnicities than i am with white people.

the art of smell

sometimes i wish i could record a smell and then play it back at the most opportune time.
honeysuckle.
that's what it would be.
that and china.

regresar

they're back...they are here...
¡los hispanos están aquí!

niños

i had forgotten until just recently how much fun children really are.
they are uninhibited. care-free. funny.
i wish i could be like that.
last week we had a group of puerto rican children...i felt so at home.
i was upset when they left. it was like i had been given time with them--this culture that i love so tremendously--and then they were gone.
hopefully they'll be back. hopefully i will be back.

ser hispana es hermosa

days like today, i wish i was a hispanic woman....

everything has changed....

i'm sitting in this coffee shop in what could be the coolest southern town that i have ever lived in....black mountain, north carolina. google it. i read this quote one time by donald miller:
"when you build a city near no mountains and no ocean, you get materialism and traditional religion. people have too much time and lack of inspiration."
it is true. i can only say that because i grew up far from mountains, and am now living in a city surrounded by mountains. there is more creativity, more community, and less judgement than i have ever felt.
in fact, there is so much life in this city that, were i not such a fan of living, i could just sit back and experience life through observance of others.
que hermosa.
so this coffee shop-the drippolator-is little. locally owned. not a franchise, praise God. this is where i come to get away. i'm surrounded by tremendously appetizing aromas of coffee (apparently, the coffee of the evening is sumatra), paramore, conversations, good music, and solitude, all at the same time. kind of a paradox, huh? i'm not[yet] convinced that solitude consists of chaining yourself in a dungeon.
so it is here that i have come to realize that my friendships are not entirely fulfilling to me right now. i can't get what i need from them. well, having jesus, isn't that the point? yeah. i'm reminding myself that this is not a negative thing. that it is, in fact, a blessing from God. so this is the theory i have now:
my frienships are not fulfilling to me; therefore, jesus must be.
not everything can be in focus at once.

discovered suppositions....

i have recently come to the conclusion that i want to purchase a polaroid camera. i want to take pictures. i want to document things. life. and, perhaps, the lack thereof. i want to partake in the art of life. in a new way. this is a new way for me. estoy emocionada....
also...i have discovered the elegant brilliance of the moleskine. you see...i enjoy writing with fine-tip sharpies. most paper is too thin for this. moleskine, however, is not. i think it is the official notebook, sketchbook, journal, (etc) of those who live life. i feel artistically official...or maybe officially artistic.
i suppose....

i got two very special emails today:
one from china
one from mexico
and then i bought a plane ticket to new york.
these are the three places i long to be. not at once. that would be hell.
just someday. someday.
someday i will speak spanish without feeling insecure.
someday i will live in china.
someday i will sit in washington square park and read a book. with my dog...a chocolate lab.
my friend john has a chocolate lab.
i miss him.
the dog too.

cambia

as much as i love-or pretend to love, i guess-change, it's still the hardest thing in the world to do....
nevertheless, i will go on adventures.

one night while in mexico...

Sometimes my mind is so saturated with the moisture of thousands of thoughts that all I care to do is sit on the darkened shore and watch the waves communicate with the moon. Perhaps the sloshing water in my mind will join the conversation and let me be.
It is 10:55 pm, and I find myself so weighed down that all I want to do is run. Maybe skipping would be better. That at least incorporates some sort of joy. But I don’t feel like skipping. Or running. I just want my mind to lie down on its well-worn bed and sleep.
I decide to create a piano lounge inside my head by listening to the smooth, well-played soul of Vince Guaraldi as I fall into my own world.
Where would I rather be right now? The obvious answer to that question is…well…anywhere.
I would sell my book collection for a pair of wings. I would go get lost in foreign cities. That always produces such a feeling of romanticism inside my heart. I could sit at a coffee shop. Write. Read. Sip my coffee. Talk to strangers. Where are you from? That always turns into an adventure when in a foreign city: Well, originally I am from Brazil. When I was eight, my parents moved to the United States. At the young age of twelve, I went away to boarding school in Europe. After school I moved to New York City for three years. Well, I got bored with New York. Then I decided to move here and learn the language. You don’t say? That question alone seems to answer every other question on the list. Do you have any brothers and sisters? What is your favorite episode of Andy Griffith? Do you like to fly? What about cloud formations, do you enjoy analyzing those? Ok, so maybe not every question, but that initial where-are-you-from conversation seems to mix a conglomeration of colors and gives permission to keep painting. Because, you see, once the painting is finished, you are fulfilled. From there you can either contemplate the painting or create another.
If I had someone beside me right now, I think I would like to have an exchange of random thoughts. It would go something like this:
-so i got a paper cut today
-no way….a bad one?
-yeah, man. it could probably use some stitches.
::pause::
-so you know how foreign cities make you feel all romantic and stuff?
-yeah, man.
-what does that mean?
-what?
-romantic.
-i think romantic means totally other than what you already possess.
-oh. interesting.
::pause::
-i think that if i could rename myself, i would call myself sophia.
-that’s interesting.
-it’s pretty romantic, right?
-yeah, man. romantic.
::pause::
-i like to use big words a lot.
-like what?
-like accompaniment.
::pause::
-do you like to read?
-no, i fall asleep.
-oh. well, i do. i like to get lost in another world.
I think what I long for most while sitting on this desolate beach of my mind is a conversation. It would be a great accompaniment. I haven’t been able to involve my heart in much lately. My soul hasn’t been able to mingle with another. Because of this, it is easily worn out. That’s why the lake in my head has just stolen all my energy…my poor soul can’t seem to take anything. I’m just so worn out…I can’t even fly right now. And now I don’t even have any books to read. I sold them all so that I could fly. I guess I’m stuck here right now.
Moral of the story: let your soul mingle with another…

10:55 seems to be a good time of night for me....

it's 10:55 pm. (i wrote that while in mexico one night.) friday night. it rained today. it was yucky...but only while i had to walk to class. after that it was lovely. fall is lovely in tennessee. yellow, red, orange. hmmm....nice.
i have a lot of different emotions rushing in on me right now. but i can't seem to touch them. guilt, stress, weariness. guilt for wasting time today. stress for the amount of homework i have to do this weekend. weary because i'm worn out in every aspect of the word. i feel like ophelia in hamlet--"There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray, love, remember: and there is pansies. that's for thoughts."--here's guilt for...here's stress for...here's weariness for...
i've always been very aware of my emotions but never knew what to do with them. now, more than ever, i "don't know what to do with them." so i read, or write, or dance, or watch tv, or play on the computer. bad things? no. not in and of themselves. but they take up my time for silence.
a good friend of mine was led to send me an email the other night. this is what she said to me:

promise me that if the game
gets
rained out, you will use that hour to be still. And I don't want the
"but I
could use that hour to get ahead on homework" excuse, or the "but now I
have
a free hour to zone out in a book or tv" excuse either. No excuses. You
need
to stop and sit still. It's changing my life and it has the power to
change
yours too.

i took her challenge. the games were rained out. so i promised that i would sit still for an hour. it scared me. silence scares me. God speaks in silence. i have been running from silence for quite some time. yes, i am exhausted, that is to be expected, but i didn't want silence either. i had no choice last night. i made a promise. i turned my lights off...lights seemed to kill any kind of quiet mood. i turned the lights out, except for this lighted air freshener in my room, laid down, and listened to the silence.
did i stand up a different person? no. were all my problems and fears whisked away? no. was it life-altering? no. at least not yet.
at this point of incoherence in my life, all i can do is faithfully take my times of silence and hope in jesus that he is to be found. he is. i know it---this is me trying to convince myself.
silence still hurts. it still scares me. i still don't know what to do with it. but without it, i am falling apart. jesus is to be found in silence. i know it! i just have to choose to be quiet.

trying this again

i used to blog...back in high school. but then it was just a vain attempt to get people to think i was funny. now i feel as though i have more of a purpose. i found, deeply imbedded in my soul, a desire to write and communicate. i have been exploring this more lately than ever. so this, my "blog," will be my outlet. so i am trying this again.
thanks for reading.

be sweet,
o