la escuela

i am almost afraid to start this blog because i have so much that i want to say, but i'm so afraid that i'm going to botch it up. that maybe you won't understand. that maybe the emotions will be too much? is this even possible?
i am in my fifth week of student teaching, and my 2nd week of having them to myself. and i think that i am falling in love.
i didn't think that i could do this. i thought that it was an impossible feat. but i've done it. i've gotten in. i'm teaching and, in turn, learning so much more than i thought i would.
here are some things that i have learned/am learning/am beginning to learn:
1) how to love unconditionally. love has nothing to do with one's ability to do.
2) how to give of myself when there seems that there is nothing left to give.
3) how to be responsible.
4) how to be respectful even in the face of disrespect.
5) how to care and give and care and give and receive nothing in return.

so i have deemed yesterday my "this is why i want to teach" day:
1) i got to share my heart (safely and adult-like) with a couple of my students by sharing my writing ability.
2) one girl came up to me after i made reference to her writing and asked me if i would like to read what she is writing. my heart screamed when this happened.
3) chris, one of my jocks, invited me to his jv football game and made it clear to look for him, #20. he was as excited as a sophomore football player can be.

that's it. i think. i mean, not really. of course there is more. there is going to be more. but this is enough for right now. i just really needed to get it out! i haven't been able to talk to many people about it.
thanks for listening.

puzzles...

i was never the kid that asked my mother if i could please play with a puzzle. i don't even remember owning a puzzle. ah. whatever. they were entertaining enough. but when i could no longer see the big picture for the millions of small cut-outs, i gave up.
i mean, seriously, that does work sometimes. some people say, quitters never win. sure, maybe. but i think, if you don't want to finish, then don't finish. so you walk away.
but sometimes, only sometimes, you come across a puzzle that is truly worth finishing. seriously my roommates and all the guys had this huge 10,000 (hello, hyperbole?) piece puzzle one time that took MONTHS to finish. but a little bit at a time, and it was complete.
so my puzzle?
education.
there are so many unfitting, jagged edges that are playing against me right now. when i'm sitting in the classroom observing, i think, what the hell am i doing? these kids sure don't care. why should i? but then, when away from the classroom, i am beating my brains out trying to think of ways to get through to these kids. it is a true puzzle.
i'm pretty sure i can do this. maybe i'm an idealist living in the world of mona lisa smile and dead poet's society, but i'm pretty sure i can do this. i think that i can find the missing piece. i hope so, anyway.
see, student teaching is way more than making the grade. it's about finding a way into the hearts of these kids and finding what it is that makes their hearts beat. i'm going to do it...but i struggle with whether or not i am up for it...can i handle it?
what if they don't let me in?
what if i try so hard and then decide that i don't want in?
what if it requires more than i am capable of giving?