to my kids at central....

we are having a poetry coffee house over the next couple of days. the kids write original poems and "perform" them (some want to sing and some want to rap). i promised them that i would write a poem. so after spending time with some of them tonight at a basketball game, this is what happened:

I like change.
I always have.
New places
New people
New sights
New emotions
Experiences
Lessons [will be] learned
But I can’t deny the sense of deflation I feel
When leaving those or that
Whom or which I love.
No words.
Tears yes.
No words.
But I will say this:
Thank you.
I will never forget any of you.
In Spanish: Le quiero:
I care a lot.
Gracias.

noticias

so i got a job. i have a salary. i am a teacher.
i am teaching sophomore honors english.
several emotions.
elated.

hecho

i have siete days left with my kids at central, and in all honesty, i think my heart might shatter. i'm trying to hang on to every bit of time that i have left with them. why did i have to go and fall in love with them?

unin[hi]bited

a close friend of mine sent me a message from chicago one summer day that read: "i want to be the man who is free enough to sing loud gospel music along with his discman with his eyes closed. on the train. alone. "

unhibited.
she [above] did. in the middle of opryland hotel. she found a piano. sat down. and sang. it was beautiful.

"sing with your head up.
with your eyes closed.
not because you love the song.
because you love to sing...."

twice in one da(y)

i found this. honestly, i love this. i remember this night so clearly. written on july 25, 2006 [while in mexico]....

im in the mood to either read and get lost in another world or write and make up my own.

got a massive effin paper cut today...by massive i mean this one might need stitches.

went to the pyramids today and climbed one. by climbing i mean walked up 236 stairs. yes, that is the accurate number. no, my obsessive complulsive mind did not click on and count...alexis did...A: dos cientos treinta y seis..como se dice, oli? O: en ingles? A: si O: 236

keiry (prounounced katey)-the two year old- kicked me today because she was mad that i took the roll of double-sided tape from her (thats how i got the paper cut). then her mom smacked her hand.

i realize that i listen to my ipod when i most need to escape what is happening around me.

i usually hold on to my wadded up napkin for at least 15 min after i eat. it must be some sort of security for me.

i find myself really wanting to buy a book of poetry by nikki giovanni. if you dont know any of her stuff...FIND IT AND READ IT. shes amazing.

you know your in a foreign country when your excited about eating pizza.

i played a game on facebook today. i clicked on a friend from high school, then kept clicking on mutual friends. its cool to see where everyone is.

i cant wait for classes to start back. i really want to dive into a new english class. this semester its shakespeare and then some.

decorating for vbs tomorrow. will get to see some familar people.

my mind is as full as a ticks swollen body right now. its not fun. i think it might pop at any moment...

hence the reason to get lost elsewhere

ciao.

[nos vemos]

untit[led]

yes, please.
sí, por favor.

sacrifice?

"people talk of the sacrifice i have made in spending so much of my life in africa. can that be called a sacrifice which is simply paid back as a small part of a great debt owing to our God, which we can never repay? is that a sacrifice which brings its own blest reward in healthful activity, the consciousness of doing good, peace of mind, and a bright hope of a glorious destiny hereafter? away with the word in such a view and with such a thought! it is emphatically no sacrifice. say rather it is a privilege. anxiety, sickness, suffering, or danger now and then with a foregoing of the common conveniences and charites of this life, may make us only be for a moment. all these are nothing when compared with the glory which shall be revealed in and for us. i never made a sacrifice."

david livingstone

(given to me by a close friend to read while in china)

just some thoughts....

i remember telling someone one time that there is a difference between a companion and a friend. in my opinion the word friend in the english language is obsolete. society has taken the meaning of friend and degraded it. these days a friend is someone you meet online. someone with similar likes and dislikes. a friend wishes you happy birthday on your facebook wall. the end. there’s nothing more to it than that.
but a companion. a companion is someone who accompanies you. an accompaniment. someone who walks beside you. someone who plays the music while you sing. another soul with which to mingle. a companion is not about likes and dislikes. a companion is about the other person. a companion listens rather than talks. a companion doesn’t move you down the list of her priorities. a companion knows your soul. a companion cries too. a companion misses you. a companion knows and allows you to know in return.

i like trees....

So was I once myself a swinger of birches;
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood 45
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over. 50
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree, 55
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. 60

“birches”
robert frost

*if you wish, you can make your own commentary....

word of the day

fragile

ignorance is...

Ignorance is bliss. Not knowing is effortless. Lack of knowledge is mundane, ordinary, and commonplace. Ignorance is [only] bliss [because there is no accountability to act.]

Ignorance is bliss because it is a burden to be aware. Awareness requires action. Sometimes I am too tired. Sometimes I have my own problems to deal with. Sometimes it takes me a while to care. Sometimes I don’t understand. Therefore, I would rather be ignorant so that there is no pressure to act. So that I am unbothered. Ignorance is bliss.

But see sometimes I get it. Sometimes I am just afraid. Sometimes my worries overshadow the problems of the world. Sometimes I don’t know where to start. Sometimes I feel inadequate.

Who in the world am I to help rescue women and children from sex trafficking? But my Spanish is not good enough to translate for someone in need. How can I teach the English language? How can my writing ever be good enough? How do I completely change my lifestyle and attitude toward food? I don’t understand. I can’t afford it. I can’t do it. I give up. This burden is too great.

The burden is so heavy. I can’t give up, though. Ignorance is ordinary, and God does not call me to a life of being ordinary. I will not be ordinary. Bliss is giving until I can’t give any longer. Bliss is meeting the needs of others. Bliss is acting out in order to shine light on and bring justice to a hellacious situation.

Ignorance lacks accountability. Ignorance lacks life. Light. Bliss. Challenge. Love. Faith. Hope. Grace.
Ignorance is not bliss.
Ignorance is hell.
Ignorance is a lie.

la escuela

i am almost afraid to start this blog because i have so much that i want to say, but i'm so afraid that i'm going to botch it up. that maybe you won't understand. that maybe the emotions will be too much? is this even possible?
i am in my fifth week of student teaching, and my 2nd week of having them to myself. and i think that i am falling in love.
i didn't think that i could do this. i thought that it was an impossible feat. but i've done it. i've gotten in. i'm teaching and, in turn, learning so much more than i thought i would.
here are some things that i have learned/am learning/am beginning to learn:
1) how to love unconditionally. love has nothing to do with one's ability to do.
2) how to give of myself when there seems that there is nothing left to give.
3) how to be responsible.
4) how to be respectful even in the face of disrespect.
5) how to care and give and care and give and receive nothing in return.

so i have deemed yesterday my "this is why i want to teach" day:
1) i got to share my heart (safely and adult-like) with a couple of my students by sharing my writing ability.
2) one girl came up to me after i made reference to her writing and asked me if i would like to read what she is writing. my heart screamed when this happened.
3) chris, one of my jocks, invited me to his jv football game and made it clear to look for him, #20. he was as excited as a sophomore football player can be.

that's it. i think. i mean, not really. of course there is more. there is going to be more. but this is enough for right now. i just really needed to get it out! i haven't been able to talk to many people about it.
thanks for listening.

puzzles...

i was never the kid that asked my mother if i could please play with a puzzle. i don't even remember owning a puzzle. ah. whatever. they were entertaining enough. but when i could no longer see the big picture for the millions of small cut-outs, i gave up.
i mean, seriously, that does work sometimes. some people say, quitters never win. sure, maybe. but i think, if you don't want to finish, then don't finish. so you walk away.
but sometimes, only sometimes, you come across a puzzle that is truly worth finishing. seriously my roommates and all the guys had this huge 10,000 (hello, hyperbole?) piece puzzle one time that took MONTHS to finish. but a little bit at a time, and it was complete.
so my puzzle?
education.
there are so many unfitting, jagged edges that are playing against me right now. when i'm sitting in the classroom observing, i think, what the hell am i doing? these kids sure don't care. why should i? but then, when away from the classroom, i am beating my brains out trying to think of ways to get through to these kids. it is a true puzzle.
i'm pretty sure i can do this. maybe i'm an idealist living in the world of mona lisa smile and dead poet's society, but i'm pretty sure i can do this. i think that i can find the missing piece. i hope so, anyway.
see, student teaching is way more than making the grade. it's about finding a way into the hearts of these kids and finding what it is that makes their hearts beat. i'm going to do it...but i struggle with whether or not i am up for it...can i handle it?
what if they don't let me in?
what if i try so hard and then decide that i don't want in?
what if it requires more than i am capable of giving?

descansar

i've had difficulty resting lately. i think that maybe rest is a byproduct of comfort. or maybe comfort is of rest. either way, they go hand in hand. yeah? no?
i think that maybe i'm not resting because i'm not comfortable.
i don't really know where i belong. i'm in such an awkward time of life. done with school but not really. not a student not an adult. lonely but nowhere to be. no idea. none. just checking off my list? just meeting requirements?
i guess.
qué será será....

hmmm

All the wild horses
All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
As for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
[yo doy el crédito a ray lamontagne: la canción "all the wild horses"]

travel

i have decided to drive up the west coast next summer.
any takers?

what...

holy smokes...
...it's august....

a tree grows in brooklyn

"what are you thinking about, little girl?"
"just thinking," francie said.
"sometimes i see you sitting on the gutter curb for hours. what do you think of then?"
"nothing. i just tell myself stories."
miss tynmore pointed at her sternly. "little girl, you'll be a story writer when you grow up." it was a command rather than a statement.
"yes ma'am," agreed francie out of politeness.

ethni[cities]

the black church conference starts today. that's really what it's called. en serio. black church week. i love it.
sometimes [more often than not] i am more at home with people of different ethnicities than i am with white people.

the art of smell

sometimes i wish i could record a smell and then play it back at the most opportune time.
honeysuckle.
that's what it would be.
that and china.

regresar

they're back...they are here...
¡los hispanos están aquí!

niños

i had forgotten until just recently how much fun children really are.
they are uninhibited. care-free. funny.
i wish i could be like that.
last week we had a group of puerto rican children...i felt so at home.
i was upset when they left. it was like i had been given time with them--this culture that i love so tremendously--and then they were gone.
hopefully they'll be back. hopefully i will be back.

ser hispana es hermosa

days like today, i wish i was a hispanic woman....

everything has changed....

i'm sitting in this coffee shop in what could be the coolest southern town that i have ever lived in....black mountain, north carolina. google it. i read this quote one time by donald miller:
"when you build a city near no mountains and no ocean, you get materialism and traditional religion. people have too much time and lack of inspiration."
it is true. i can only say that because i grew up far from mountains, and am now living in a city surrounded by mountains. there is more creativity, more community, and less judgement than i have ever felt.
in fact, there is so much life in this city that, were i not such a fan of living, i could just sit back and experience life through observance of others.
que hermosa.
so this coffee shop-the drippolator-is little. locally owned. not a franchise, praise God. this is where i come to get away. i'm surrounded by tremendously appetizing aromas of coffee (apparently, the coffee of the evening is sumatra), paramore, conversations, good music, and solitude, all at the same time. kind of a paradox, huh? i'm not[yet] convinced that solitude consists of chaining yourself in a dungeon.
so it is here that i have come to realize that my friendships are not entirely fulfilling to me right now. i can't get what i need from them. well, having jesus, isn't that the point? yeah. i'm reminding myself that this is not a negative thing. that it is, in fact, a blessing from God. so this is the theory i have now:
my frienships are not fulfilling to me; therefore, jesus must be.
not everything can be in focus at once.

discovered suppositions....

i have recently come to the conclusion that i want to purchase a polaroid camera. i want to take pictures. i want to document things. life. and, perhaps, the lack thereof. i want to partake in the art of life. in a new way. this is a new way for me. estoy emocionada....
also...i have discovered the elegant brilliance of the moleskine. you see...i enjoy writing with fine-tip sharpies. most paper is too thin for this. moleskine, however, is not. i think it is the official notebook, sketchbook, journal, (etc) of those who live life. i feel artistically official...or maybe officially artistic.
i suppose....

i got two very special emails today:
one from china
one from mexico
and then i bought a plane ticket to new york.
these are the three places i long to be. not at once. that would be hell.
just someday. someday.
someday i will speak spanish without feeling insecure.
someday i will live in china.
someday i will sit in washington square park and read a book. with my dog...a chocolate lab.
my friend john has a chocolate lab.
i miss him.
the dog too.

cambia

as much as i love-or pretend to love, i guess-change, it's still the hardest thing in the world to do....
nevertheless, i will go on adventures.